a personal experiment


Words that I made up;

Is it that hard
To stop and think
Of what to say
On the days that came
Before goodbye

Was it that easy
To just ignore
It all because
The the words I spoke
Were not the ones
You knew you wrote

It wasn’t tough
For you at all
To just forget
What I had thought
You’d always known


If only half-finished drafts with no coherent point counted as actual posts. Imagine all the thoughtful posts i would have already posted! 

Lack of actual internet posts can mean only one thing though! Abundance of irl happenings! Yes, my days have been good and my nights end with bad tv (I really cannot stop! see: first post) in bed with a glass of wine. Like right now, but I also feel awake and particularly chatty and everyone is probably asleep so hey, why not be (kind of) productive, right?

In my last post like over two months ago (oops), I decided to make a conscious effort to take a break and acknowledge all the good (and bad, I guess, but I’m feeling happy tonight so maybe next time) things I have in my life. So let me do a little bit of that right now.

My life in general. No one’s life is perfect and mine is certainly far from it (what a line), but it’s not all bad, either. I believe in good things and good people and karma. I strive to do good things and while don’t always succeed, I feel like the universe recognizes my efforts and sends good things my way back. 

My friends. I appreciate solitude and just having time to myself where I can crawl into my comforter cocoon/burrito, but there always comes a time where emerge from my cocoon a (beautiful, social) butterfly. I like hanging out with people and doing stuff or not doing stuff or whatever. And the people I hang out with are all amazing in their own way. They are all awesome and creative and so so (fondly?) tolerant of me. I would get into that, but let’s skip talking about me since that’s all I do on here. My friends are all different but complementary and genuine and fiercely intelligent and I love them. I do not know what I did before I had them, and I cannot even imagine what I would do without them now. While that sounds like something a middle schooler would say about their best friends at the time (maybe not in those exact words), I feel like the friends I have now are for realsies and I love them.

So there you have it. Me doing something I said I would do. Up next: My conscious effort to stay away from things that generally upset me. Except for bad TV. Speaking of which, I have a late night date with a glass of cab sav and an episode of Catfish.

the contrast of white on white;

This evening, as I was typing up drafts of my recent adventures (as a human being who now does physical activites not limited to (window) shopping and eating and going on the internet), I remembered reading Hyperbole and a Half’s recent post on depression (which I suggest everyone reads). 

When I was but a young padawan teenager, I had to go to therapy because of events that have greatly impacted my views on life, love and the universe in general. Soon older-year-old me would learn that young padawan me was depressed. Yes, this was on top of whatever angst I harbored as a typical high school teenager. I was medicated and then medicated to deal with the medication. It was not pretty, and I don’t know how exactly, but I survived and eventually blossomed into the butterfly that is now-me. 

One of the things I have made a conscious effort to do (but have not blogged about yet! tsk tsk) is to take a moment and smell the figurative Marchesa perfume (amazing, btw, if we’re talking non-figuratively) as i figuratively shop around the figurative Sephora that is my irl life.  I am definitely the kind of person who is suddenly too busy being awesome to be grateful for all the awesome people/things/events that have happend to or around me. Not being depressed (anymore) is something I am grateful for.

Now-me is a person who feels things maybe a little bit (or a lot a bit) more intensely than normal (ie: Kristen Bell on sloths = me irl). Sometimes it gets out of hand and I become too invested in things that are just things (tv shows, the zombie apocalypse, the voice, etc), but mostly I am glad because you know what else I feel intensely? Joy, hope, relief, and yes even though I sometimes forget, gratitude.And tbh, I am glad I can also feel intense anger and pain and sadness, because it is way way way better than feeling a whole lot of nothing. 

So yes, not only am I  grateful that I am dramatic and intense and excitable and overly enthusiastic, but I am also thankful that that dark moment in my past is a part of my life. I am not a time lord, but I would say that that is a fixed point in my personal timeline (aka I would not be now-me if it wasn’t for then-me blah blah blah).  It’s taken a lot for me to get here, but now-me is pretty fucking awesome if I do say so myself. 

lead my feet away;

I have recently made the decision to start getting fit. Nothing too intense, just walking and maybe running because I know that while my metabolism at the moment is great, it won’t be forever. I’ve been doing really well, I think. It’s been almost a week and i’ve walked over 20 miles, which is a really big deal to me since I used to drive to the starbucks a block away from my place. 

This morning I started using the Zombies, Run! 5K training app. While I don’t actually plan to run a 5K, a little structure will probably help me. Also, zombies are a thing for me- and by thing I mean I have a zombie escape plan (which I have slowly been making revisions to since I started watching The Walking Dead) aaaaand I will not get into the rest. Back to the point, the app keeps me interested and also helps me get fit, so that’s a big plus.

I guess when I started a blog about conscious efforts I will be making, I never thought fitness would be a part of it (though it seems like something everybody would expect from a resolution blog). I don’t know if there was one big deciding factor that made me actually put my walking shoes on and leave the house (because I’ve talked about going running/walking/joining a gym/working out/whatever hundreds of times before). But with most things, being spontaneous really works for me. Last week I just said, “I’m going to do this,” got up and actually did it. Now every day I’ve been telling myself, “You’re going to stick with this,” and I have. I haven’t quite gotten the runner’s high or some sort of rush of euphoria from any endorphins I may or may not have produced, but I do feel better about myself. I feel proud that I actually went and did something I said I was going to do. I also feel pretty stupid about driving to all these places I now know I can just walk to. What a waste.

Another thing that works for me in addition to spontaneity is my will power. Looking back, there are so many things I know I have done only through sheer force of will. When I first started, I told myself to walk to the Starbucks that was a little further away from me. Getting Starbucks motivated me to walk that far. When I got there, I thought, well now I just have to get home. And I did. It sounds stupid now but I literally put myself in a situation where the only way out was the hard way (which seems so insignificant now, a few days later. I can walk to that Starbucks now and not even break a sweat! Progress!) I was tired and have never walked more than 5 blocks and all I thought was if you don’t walk home you’re never going to get there. And I kept walking. And I got home. Last Tuesday, I decided to go on an almost-10 mile walk with a couple of my friends. While the walking itself was not so bad since I was with good company, we encountered a pretty steep hill. As my legs burned with every step I kept thinking just get to the top and then you’re fine. And I did. And I was.

I’m a very melodramatic person. I used to say things like, “you can’t make me walk that far! I’m going to die.” I don’t know if I thought I would actually die if I had to do physical work at that point, but I guess putting that thought out of my head made it possible for me to do things I never thought I would do before. Me! Running! If you knew me, you would have laughed when I said it before. 

Now that I’ve (mostly) conquered walking (more Zombies, Run! updates soon, hopefully). I am going to make a conscious effort to try things that either scare me, or things that I never thought I would/could do before! (Note to self: write story about Space Mountain). I’ll let you know how that turns out.

Apr 2

Let’s get literal!

Effort (in physics) means, quite simply, force applied against inertia.

Now, I’m not a physicist or anything but I can go on about other things concerning effort and it’s battle with inertia (inertia- which means a state of either movement or rest btw, energy, work, yes i did my research) and how that relates to “real life situations” but here it is the way i see it: effort is a thing you have to do (exert? yes?) in order to change the way something is. 

Obviously, we (I?) know what conscious means. I consciously know this. (Just in case, it means you are aware of something).

So conscious efforts.

Little decisions make up most of our lives. Every morning, we decide to either get up or press that snooze button one more time. We decide what to eat, what to wear, what to do for the rest of our days. All these decisions lead to more decisions that maybe lead to something big. I want to write about the more notable decisions I have made or will be making that will maybe one day lead to something big (or maybe even not at all, but it will certainly be fun to read about them when I’m older and (hopefully) wiser).  Here are some examples!

  • Currently: This show I’m watching is terrible and it’s making me angry
    I will make a conscious effort to: Stop watching this show!
  • Currently: My clean laundry bin always piles up and it becomes more of a chore for me to put it away!
    I will make a conscious effort to: Put away my laundry right out of the dryer.

Here is a more concrete one!

  • Last week: I keep on saying ‘I will make a conscious effort to…’ do lots of things and then I forget about them and then it bites me in the ass later! Then i think about it again and say, ‘dammit if i wrote this shit down maybe I would have gone about this whole situation in a completely different way!’
    I have made a conscious effort to: start a blog for all my little decisions/declarations/resolutions!

Obviously not all of these things will be fully realized or come to fruition. I will probably never stop watching bad tv that angers me, and I will probably never update this blog as much as I think I will but! I will try my best.

This could very well be be the start of the first draft of my memoirs! Conscious Efforts: she thought she could do it, but then.

Lastly, i don’t know how to end blog posts 

Apr 2


sort of? I made this blog to document my conscious efforts (including my conscious effort to start this blog) but alas, I have yet to make an actual post. The blog equivalent of writing a to-do list and then not actually doing anything on it (or, more accurately, writing ‘TO-DO LIST’ at the top of the page and never actually writing anything else). Oops?

But watch out! Actual entry coming in 3… 2….